Thanks Andrew for the kind reminder to revisit my blog :)
Today is another beautiful day and I was lucky enough to stand in the sunshine and spend some time alone in silence. Quickly I crept inside myself and as I write I am struggling to turn outward again.
My moments alone were silent and still, I felt like a stone bathed in sunshine. Where the sun hit there was warmth just edging the cold crystalline center. I thought about who I am as far as I can discern of myself and who I would love to be. Everything I do and everything I experience changes my perception of self and desired self. I was reading for this book group yesterday and the premise of the chapter was choice. We choose to either move toward God or away from him. I would hope my choices move me towards God--I want them to--but I know most of my choices do not do so. I imagine close to all them move me toward idolizing myself, imagining I am the center of all that matters.
My first thoughts, during my silence, were flowery, thankful proclamations. These bled into desires I have that are left unmet. Those then withered at the realization of my graceful blessings I take for granted. I started to pray for others in a hope to be a better person. When the multitude of people to pray for flooded my mind, I felt so selfish. God died for me and here I am in my beautifully blessed humanity with my wealth and opportunity. All of the sudden I wanted to be an extreme hippie and save the world: the broken, the hurting, the greedy, the distracted. Yet I am entirely aware that I am no hippie and that I am broken, hurting, greedy, and distracted. As Spring is dawning, I see that as I am made of the earth, I too am following the seasons. Spring must be dawning, because my heart is stirring ever so gently under the frosty, brittle shell I have encased it in. My deepest and most heartfelt prayer is that I stop babbling and lying to God, and that instead my whole self belong to his work. What a pregnant silence today.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
a beginning/day 1--Ash Wednesday
It has taken a while for me to get here. Today is Ash Wednesday. I put blogging on my list of possible Lent options. I am ever thankful for lists, somehow they motivate me. Where to begin expressing all that I have stuffed in tight. I'll start with expectations.
The year or so proceeding the wedding was grueling. I was pulled and stretched, broken and mended, and sent off in a new direction. Andrew seemed to pop into my life all of the sudden and stuck. I am so glad he stuck with little help from me! Once I came around, I was amazed by what God is doing with him. As we are bumping around through life trying to find God in the dark, we are sticking together. Like old couples shuffling across the street holding each other steady.
That awful year of uncertainty leading to our wedding caused me to fill with expectations for what our move (or spiritual pulling to go) to Portland would be like. I had it in my mind that once released from the comfortable stagnancy of my hometown, and with a man by my side who is insatiably bent on touching and engaging with the heart of God, that I would be entering a time of spiritual bliss. Little did I expect that while this is where I need to be, where I want to be, that I would slip so quickly into my spiritual routine from before. I am too busy for solitude and rest, or so I tell myself. It was so discouraging to enter this beautiful city that met most of my expectations, yet I felt dirty and dry in my soul. The more discouraged I became, the more I ran from solice. Yet even so, I feel God challenging my efforts to hide. He is asking me almost constantly why I choose unrest. So here on Ash Wednesday, I feel motivated to break my cycle. I am a lover of lists and schedules. Lent is perfect for motivating someone like me. So today, I went outside in the small window of opportunity to soak in the sun and stood stark still. I listened to the wind rushing and the quiet awkwardness of standing alone in the middle of the lawn. Awkward because I had not come to talk with God like this in a while. I wanted to fidget and wiggle out of the uncomfortable silliness of disconnect from my Father. I did not run away, but I leaned into the warm sun. I hurridly spat out my feelings and thoughts until I ran out of things to fill the silence. The awkward stance seemed to turn into a familiar gesture of affection. It was restful as I had hoped it would be. It was redeeming in a sense that I want to go back out in the now cold cloudy afternoon, just to feel a part of something deeper. It's silly really, since I know that I can have that experience now. Here. The intentionality of my earlier experience was stunning, but so is letting Him be with me all day. That is what I am working toward. I would love to open up to Him, rather than stuff myself deep inside. I am sick of feeling wounded, dirty, and dry inside myself. I am ready to open up and share myself, first with God, then with Andrew and everyone.
So that is why I am here. To emote, express, release these thoughts and feelings. I need to put it out there on the page, out and away from myself. This is a beginning, day one of my postings. I hope to be back soon...:)
The year or so proceeding the wedding was grueling. I was pulled and stretched, broken and mended, and sent off in a new direction. Andrew seemed to pop into my life all of the sudden and stuck. I am so glad he stuck with little help from me! Once I came around, I was amazed by what God is doing with him. As we are bumping around through life trying to find God in the dark, we are sticking together. Like old couples shuffling across the street holding each other steady.
That awful year of uncertainty leading to our wedding caused me to fill with expectations for what our move (or spiritual pulling to go) to Portland would be like. I had it in my mind that once released from the comfortable stagnancy of my hometown, and with a man by my side who is insatiably bent on touching and engaging with the heart of God, that I would be entering a time of spiritual bliss. Little did I expect that while this is where I need to be, where I want to be, that I would slip so quickly into my spiritual routine from before. I am too busy for solitude and rest, or so I tell myself. It was so discouraging to enter this beautiful city that met most of my expectations, yet I felt dirty and dry in my soul. The more discouraged I became, the more I ran from solice. Yet even so, I feel God challenging my efforts to hide. He is asking me almost constantly why I choose unrest. So here on Ash Wednesday, I feel motivated to break my cycle. I am a lover of lists and schedules. Lent is perfect for motivating someone like me. So today, I went outside in the small window of opportunity to soak in the sun and stood stark still. I listened to the wind rushing and the quiet awkwardness of standing alone in the middle of the lawn. Awkward because I had not come to talk with God like this in a while. I wanted to fidget and wiggle out of the uncomfortable silliness of disconnect from my Father. I did not run away, but I leaned into the warm sun. I hurridly spat out my feelings and thoughts until I ran out of things to fill the silence. The awkward stance seemed to turn into a familiar gesture of affection. It was restful as I had hoped it would be. It was redeeming in a sense that I want to go back out in the now cold cloudy afternoon, just to feel a part of something deeper. It's silly really, since I know that I can have that experience now. Here. The intentionality of my earlier experience was stunning, but so is letting Him be with me all day. That is what I am working toward. I would love to open up to Him, rather than stuff myself deep inside. I am sick of feeling wounded, dirty, and dry inside myself. I am ready to open up and share myself, first with God, then with Andrew and everyone.
So that is why I am here. To emote, express, release these thoughts and feelings. I need to put it out there on the page, out and away from myself. This is a beginning, day one of my postings. I hope to be back soon...:)
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